That is the thought that kept looping in my head (subconsciously) over the past 3-4 months. I hadn’t known it was there. Yet, I knew my original subliminal programming has been taking precedence lately.
I was/am clear on how it is making me feel and, consequently, act. Yet, it took me a while to recognize what it was saying to me.
If you have been with us on the group for a short while, you would know that I talk a lot about recognizing “inner child wounds,” “healing,” and “resolving our limiting beliefs.” Well, I realized that I had a significant amount of all the above over the past few years. I have also unlocked further layers of them over the past few months with the help of an amazing tribe of empowering friends I have surrounded myself with. Even so, I felt there was something still that was acting like a cork to the funnel off my progress! And, apparently, that is one component of it: disappointment at myself!
I analyzed a recurrent pattern I have been exhibiting repeatedly.
1. “I am EXCITED!”
2. “Let’s do THIS!”
3. “Wow! This is AMAZING!”
4. “Why am I stopping now?!”
5. …. (silence… crickets!)
I couldn’t understand why I would do this; work so hard to get to a specific point where I am about to reap the rewards of my investments (of time, effort, money & knowledge) only to stop short of the ‘jackpot.’ And this was eating me up! I dwelled on the “here we go again, I am disappointing myself once more!” rather than do what I love doing: GO TO THE ROOT CAUSE!
Annnnnd, this time, I finally did stop long enough to get to the root cause. Historically, every time I got to the hypothetical ‘jackpot,’ I got exposed to floods of spotlights hitting me from every direction. Those floods included judgement, included ridicule, included “who do you think you are?” questions, and consequently, they flared up my insecure feelings of ‘worthiness.’
Unfortunately, these spotlights addressed every aspect of my life. My wellness pursuit. My body/weight. My academic achievements. My professional accomplishments. My personal relationships. And under each of these, I felt EXPOSED. And, I felt OBLIGED to continue proving why I am worthy of the spotlights. And under the scorching heat of these spotlights, I forgot to recognize that it was indeed my efforts that got me there. And that these spotlights were not meant to belittle me (even if those holding them were trying hard to do just that), rather they were there for me to appreciate how far I have come and to use the overflow for everyone else that needed to shine a light down their own path.
I am gifted. And instead of seeing the blessings of my gifts, I have been conditioned growing up to believe that my gifts are threats to others, and thus, I should work hard to hide them or at least to diminish their emitting light.
So, henceforth I am holding myself accountable to bring my conscious thoughts to appreciating my efforts rather than get dragged into believing that I am disappointing myself. And I hold myself accountable to keep investing and working towards my figurative jackpots, my subjective success goals. Lastly, I will also relish in the spotlights as I reap my rewards and share the gains with everyone who needs a seed to start sowing for themselves.
Are you recognizing how/why you are mentally holding yourself back?
And, more importantly, are you ready to break through your perceived disappointment as you transform the invested energy into self-appreciation?